When Autism Hurts and The Person is Unaware…

I have been processing this blog for sometime and more so am writing this post for me to express my feelings about a relationship that matters to me so very deeply but will never grow or challenge not because of a purposeful disconnected but because of a biological difference in understanding and life experience. The challenge of life with someone on the Autism Spectrum, High Functioning Autism and Undiagnosed.

No matter what I say or do, there is never a true understanding of who I am, my wants and desires. No appreciation for what I bring into this persons world that is beneficial to what they do. No understanding of my emotional reactions or verbal expressions of displeasure or expression of feeling disrespected. I was cut down, told I was wrong, that I am too sensitive and the people this person is around does not respond like I do.

I am a Christian and an Empath…In Vegas it feels like an unwelcomed combination. I feel as if people live on the edge and teeter on which direction they will go depending on the mood or the people they are around. There is a blurred line between believing in God and the teaching of the Bible compared to how people react and respond in their interactions with each other or behind each others backs. People talk but don’t back up the talk…People talk about each other and then jump in each others faces and want to take pictures and so on and so on. I don’t fake the funk and I try my best to always life with honesty and integrity. But I am sensitive and bougie, over the top with my reactions to harsh reactions to my reactions. I was raised in a Christian home, and my father was a Baptist Minister before I was born up until he passed away in 2016 at the age of 93. I was raised by people who were educated and had strong morals and values on how young people should act and how a young lady carries herself. This feel in line with the community and environment that I came up in and chose to stay in…associating with people of like mindedness without consciously realizing that is who life directed my steps. If something or someone make me feel uncomfortable I removed myself from the connection.

But here I tried to really understand this person…making a list of the challenges I met. I have a understanding of Domestic Violence focusing on verbal, mental and emotional abuse and what they looks like and feels like. I experienced those feeling but there was something that seems so different and I could not put my finger on it. I love to research things and delved into my research on Google and YouTube…looking up behaviors and personality types…this was helpful but still I didn’t feel I found what I was looking for, there was a missing link.

I have an amazing support system back home and I was discussing my experience with this person with a trusted person and he said, I believe that this person is Autistic and if so, you will have have a full on connection they way that you want and deserve. So, my research direction turned to Autism, Highly Functioning Autism, Asperger’s Syndrome and the missing pieces started to fall into place. The more I researched the more this disconnect made sense. I watched videos from neurotypical partners to autism syndrome disorder…I listening to sharing from both angels and all the information was making my experience make total sense.

Now, what do I do with my new found information? First of all it helps to have a reason to attached to the challenges faced with this person. The more I learned there was a peace because I could say…this all makes sense now, but it did not ease the hurt, pain and frustration…it in some ways added to my frustration because I became feeling guilty for feeling the way that I did and knew that that would not change and I had to honor my feels, as I had to honor or differences in communication styles and understanding of each other.

The more I tried to find respectful ways to address the problems, it seemed to intensify the negativity in our connection. The more I spoke on feelings, the more this person called me weak and sensitive and that he was not used to being around some like me, because the people in his world did not respond how I do and were strong character people.

I understand that the High Functioning Person on the Autism Spectrums brains are not fully developed where they grasp emotion, face and body language. They tend think on a logical level verse a emotional feeling level where they miss ques of the whole picture of conversations and interactions. The focus on what can be seen instead of what is being expressed. I was determined to find a way to bridge this gap and failed…no matter the angle I tried to approach this person from, I found myself getting my feelings hurt or walking away frustrated wanting to throw up my hands and give up.

This is what I noticed in behavior:

Zoning out, which meant they did not understand what I was talking about, so it sounded like noise and nonsense and they would yawn or fall asleep or straight up telling that I was repeating myself and at times I was because I was trying to make a point to someone who was never going to get the point.

This person wanted me to be quiet and listen instead of having a back and forth conversation. They would say that they were quiet when I was speaking and wanted me to do the same for them. Yet, I know that when I was speaking, what I was saying was not being heard and absorbed. At time, this person could repeat what I said but could not properly explain back to me what I said. So, we got along better if I just sat and listened with very little response. At times this person would look at me as if they wanted me to respond and either they would get quiet or fumble through what to say next. But more of the time, I’ve been told to be quiet. This is so hard for me…

I noticed they liked routine. Sat in the same place, walked the same direction, ate the same food, liked quiet even though was involved in loud noises as a profession.

Didn’t like certain textures and sensitive to certain smells and touch.

Lack of full on eye contact, lack of facial expression or expressive tones in their voice.

Lack of affection, but will want affection when it’s someone they are comfortable with.

The people they gravitate towards are more so have the same mindset and mentality as they, so they do not face the challenges of trying to understand or be understood.

Pacing is another pattern when uncomfortable, stressed or thinking. Their mind was always going and honestly in the end I realized that little focus was on our actual time together but they had a need to be around me or for me to help them with a project.

There was criticism of my work, what I wasn’t doing and pretty much making me feel like I was a nobody although I had accomplished a lot in my career, but this person was not a witness to my past and saw that I was not doing anything in their eyes to achieve what I came here to do. And they did not help nor encourage me around what I wanted to do, yet I was always supportive of who they were and what they were doing. When I asked about this, I was told that they didn’t care if I supported them and they did not encourage and support others.

The melt down is so aggressive, where it’s clear that there is a feeling that I’m attacking their pride or intelligence.

When I started to seek support from therapist and support groups around Autism, it was said over and over that we need to be understanding and basically adjust to make it work. We will never be able to receive what most neurotypical people know exists in their world with someone on the Spectrum. There a cues you can give to help an Aspie understand that you need something different from them or to express how their behavior makes you feel. I get it, I get it…but of course these are White Therapist and the majority of the people apart of the support groups are White…there was never a conversation around cultural differences in how different groups of people are raised or the environments they came up in and how that effects their life on the Autism Spectrum.

My argument within myself, was first of all you would not walk away from a child on the Spectrum, so how could I justify within my soul to walk away from someone I have grown to love, care about and even respect for their strengths. So, I prayed and hung in there, taking breaks in the connection from time to time. I watched and listened. This person so unaware of the social no no’s when dealing with certain people…had no real boundaries in appropriate connections and what is wrong. There was a constant taking from others without the reciprocation past spending time. It was never about my needs or desires it was all about them.

I tried to understand the differences and even tried to step back and accept the lack of reciprocity in the relationship but it seemed the more that I understood the more the disrespect was present and an insensitive spirit was forming…it was all about this person and how I was behaving in a way that they did not appreciate and I needed to change to make it work because he was not used to this.

I do know that I am special to this person and that they love me. I am included in apart of his world that other people are not allowed to be exposed to. They share a lot of the life experiences from childhood to adulthood and they know that there something different about themselves, doesn’t push to understand…and I think that is okay.

As the disrespect was present, there was expression of what the draw was to me, which honestly is beautiful but so contradicting of the disconnect and emotional put downs. Causing such a roller coaster ride of emotions in me. Because they do not react with emotions, I was deemed to have issues…which yes, I have issues.

The relationship has taken a toll on me and has effected my commitment to myself and brand. I believe my stress level was on the rise and depression was setting in. I was struggling with focusing on my projects and goals. I was struggling in focusing on my job. It feels like my health is being effected. I have to do something different, more and more people realize that things will not change and I know that I would never find happiness in the type of connection we have.

I knew that I would have to bring this to an end with prayers to God, that in time the relationship could be redefined and we can still be in each others lives and have a healthy and happy connection.

So, I am closing this chapter with God’s help and focusing on myself and my projects. Time will tell what the future will bring.

When the disconnect happens not on purpose but due to biological difference in how a persons brain develops, this person is brilliant and so smart, just lacks social understands and connections.

I love this person, care deeply and will always be their cheerleader even if its from a distance and from the sidelines.

Be mindful when there may feel like there is a disconnect, the person may have something that causes the difference that they can’t help and in many cases are unware of. Some of the most phenomenal creative soulz are on the Spectrum and you would never realize it unless you are in tuned to the difference in interaction and understanding.

I support people on the Spectrum and Autism Speaks along with other organizations across the world. I am blessed to have found resources that helped make sense of the craziness and grateful to have a sister in kind and mentor that understands what I have been going through. She is an advocate for people living on the Spectrum and or with some form of Disability.

I have grown and will continue to take this experience to grown in the difference of how people hear information and then turn around and understand it or not understand it.

I love an Aspie Forever!

Lady Flava of Lady Flava News

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