“When Forgiveness Has a Why—and When It Doesn’t”

By Lady Flava

Forgiveness is such a complicated part of life.

Some people say we have to forgive to heal. Others say forgiveness is for us, not for them. And I’ve learned… sometimes, both can be true—and sometimes, it’s not that simple.

I remember when I finally forgave my ex-husband.

It came years after our divorce—seven years, to be exact.

And it happened in an instant.

Not because he apologized.

Not because he changed.

But because I realized something important:

I was still letting him hold power over me—and he didn’t deserve it.

What helped me forgive him was the “why.”

I understood his behavior. It didn’t excuse it—but it explained it.

Dysfunction.

Alcoholism.

Drug abuse.

Generational trauma.

And sadly, abuse.

It was heavy, but it had roots. It was a cycle. I could see it.

And in that moment of clarity, I was able to let go of the anger that had wrapped itself around my spirit.

I forgave—not for him, but for me.

And it felt like a thousand-pound weight lifted off my shoulders.

But here’s the truth:

Forgiveness doesn’t always come with a why.

Sometimes people harm you in ways that feel intentional.

They manipulate, deceive, or betray you—without remorse, without explanation, and without taking accountability.

And when you don’t have a “why,” it’s harder to let go.

Because you’re left with silence… and suspicion… and wounds that never got a name.

That’s where I am with someone in my life right now.

I’ve chosen to be civil.

I’ve chosen to protect my energy.

But I haven’t chosen forgiveness—because the harm still feels real, and the “why” remains hidden.

And I’ve decided… that’s okay.

Forgiveness is not performance.

It’s not about being the “bigger person” for show.

It’s not “kumbaya” just to make everyone else comfortable.

Forgiveness is sacred.

And sometimes, it takes time.

Sometimes, it doesn’t come at all.

And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply say:

“You don’t get to live in my spirit anymore.

I don’t hate you. I just don’t choose you.”

That, too, is healing.

—

Have you ever found it easier to forgive when you understood the “why”?

Or struggled to forgive when the harm had no name?

Let’s talk about it.