Real Talk: What Did You Hear Me Say?
Clear communication is not a new topic. We have been talking about the importance of listening for generations.
Yet somehow, many of us are becoming more disconnected.
We speak—but are we being heard?
We listen—but are we listening to understand, or are we already preparing our response?
We react to what we think someone said, what we assumed they meant, or what their words reminded us of. Before long, the original message becomes buried beneath emotion, defensiveness, and misunderstanding.
I see it in everyday life.
I listen to people I love repeatedly misunderstand each other. One person says something with one intention, while the other person receives it completely differently. Instead of stopping to clarify, they react to what they believe they heard. Their voices rise, old frustrations enter the conversation, and suddenly they are arguing about much more than the original subject.
I have also learned that some people need me to communicate differently. With my granddaughter, I often need to be more direct and use fewer words. Too much information at once can bury the actual message.
That does not mean she isn’t listening.
It means I need to communicate in a way that allows her to receive what I am saying.
That is an important distinction.
Communication Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
People hear, process, and respond to information in many different ways.
Some people need:
- Fewer words
- Written instructions
- Information repeated
- Visual examples
- Extra time to process
- A quieter environment
- One instruction at a time
- Direct language without hints
- An opportunity to ask follow-up questions
Age, hearing loss, stress, fear, pain, language differences, neurodiversity, trauma, memory, and unfamiliar terminology can all affect how someone receives information.
Sometimes the problem is not that a person refuses to listen. The information may not have been shared in a way they could understand.
That is why we cannot assume that saying something once means communication occurred.
Miscommunication Stirs Up Emotions
When people believe they have received frightening or upsetting information, emotions can take over before the facts are confirmed.
Fear rises.
Listening stops.
Voices get louder.
The person trying to help may become the target of frustration they did not create.
Then, when that person calmly says, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at,” the response may be:
“I’m not yelling at you.”
Sometimes people become so emotionally worked up that they genuinely do not recognize their own volume, tone, or choice of words. Other times, denying the behavior redirects attention away from how they are speaking and places it on the person who finally set a boundary.
That denial can feel like gaslighting.
Being scared, frustrated, or worried about someone you love is understandable. But those emotions do not give anyone permission to mistreat the person trying to help.
You can advocate strongly without attacking.
You can express frustration without becoming disrespectful.
And when someone tells you that your tone is making the conversation difficult, pause before immediately denying their experience.
Slow the Conversation Down
Before reacting, we need to ask:
- What did I actually hear?
- Is that what the person truly said?
- Am I responding to their words—or to my own fear?
- Do I need the information repeated differently?
- Am I making assumptions based on past experiences?
- Is the other person understanding what I am trying to explain?
This is where teach-back becomes so important.
Instead of asking, “Do you understand?” ask:
“Can you tell me in your own words what you understand?”
Many people will automatically say yes because they are embarrassed, overwhelmed, or ready for the conversation to end. Teach-back gives both people an opportunity to discover where the message became unclear.
It is not a test of the listener.
It is a test of how clearly the information was communicated.
We Must Figure Out the Why
There is no single answer for why communication is breaking down.
Sometimes people are distracted.
Sometimes they are overwhelmed.
Sometimes we use too many words.
Sometimes we are not direct enough.
Sometimes professional language is unfamiliar.
Sometimes people hear only the part that frightens them.
Sometimes someone needs to slow down, while someone else needs the point delivered quickly and clearly.
And sometimes we are so determined to prove what we meant that we fail to acknowledge how our words were received.
Better communication requires flexibility from everyone involved. The speaker may need to explain something differently. The listener may need to ask questions instead of filling in the blanks. Both people may need to set aside defensiveness long enough to find the truth.
Connection Requires Effort
We are not all going to hear the same message in the same way.
That does not mean communication is hopeless. It means communication requires more intention.
We need to become more thoughtful about how we speak, how we listen, and how quickly we react.
Use fewer words when fewer words are needed.
Write it down when spoken information is not enough.
Repeat it without making someone feel ashamed.
Ask questions before making assumptions.
Use teach-back.
Pay attention to tone.
And when emotions rise, pause before the conversation becomes a battle.
Clear communication is not simply about getting our words out.
It is about making sure understanding has a chance to enter.
Before reacting to what you think you heard, stop and ask:
“What did you hear me say?”
That one question may uncover the misunderstanding before it becomes another unnecessary disconnect.
We all communicate differently.
The goal is not to force everyone to communicate the same way.
The goal is to care enough to find a way to understand one another.
And that may require us to speak differently, listen more carefully, and react more slowly.
Real Talk with Lady Flava 🌻
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