Real Talk: We’re Talking, But Are We Understanding Each Other?

Someone can look “normal.” They can be physically attractive, speak clearly, and carry themselves in a way that draws us in.

Something about that first conversation makes our brain say, This is a great connection.

But let’s stop and think about that.

What do we actually know about this person? And how much have we filled in because we liked what we saw and heard?

How many of us have connected with someone through those early conversations, only to find ourselves struggling to communicate as time goes by?

We bring up the disconnect. They don’t seem to know what we’re talking about.

And we think, Come on. You know exactly what I mean.

But what if they don’t?

What if something that seems obvious to us isn’t obvious to them? What if we walked away from the same conversation with two completely different understandings?

I talk about this loud world we live in. I talk about effective communication, racism, community disconnect, abuse, neurodivergence, health and wellness.

A question runs through all of it:

How do we reach each other when we don’t know what the other person understands?

We don’t know someone’s whole story just by looking at them. Beauty doesn’t tell us how someone processes information. A friendly conversation doesn’t tell us how they handle disagreement. Speaking confidently doesn’t mean someone understood everything we said.

And our own confidence doesn’t mean we understood them, either.

We all come into conversations with something behind us. What we were taught. What we witnessed. What we survived. What we consider normal because it was everyday life in our home.

Sometimes we don’t even understand how our own story shows up in the way we communicate. Yet we expect someone else to explain theirs.

That’s a lot to expect.

So, how do we approach trying our best?

I think we start by slowing down our assumptions.

Instead of saying, “You know what I mean,” we can ask, “What did you hear me say?”

And we can offer the same care back: “This is what I heard you saying. Did I understand you?”

That needs to be a real question. If we ask it with an attitude, like we’re testing someone or trying to catch them, we’ve already made it harder for them to answer honestly.

We also need to get specific.

“You never support me” may express our hurt, but does it explain what we needed?

“When I told you I was struggling, I needed you to listen before giving me advice” gives the other person something clearer to understand.

Then we have to listen to their response—even if it’s different from what we expected.

Maybe they thought giving advice was supporting us.

That doesn’t erase how we felt. It gives us somewhere to begin.

We can ask whether another explanation would help. We can give someone time to find their words. We can recognize that a difficult conversation might need to happen when both people have the energy and attention for it.

And we can make it safe to say, “I don’t understand.”

Because how many people say “okay” just to get through a conversation? How many are embarrassed to ask another question? How many have learned that admitting confusion gets them laughed at, dismissed, or spoken to like they’re stupid?

If we want honest communication, we have to pay attention to how we respond to honesty.

But let me be real: understanding someone doesn’t mean we have to accept mistreatment. We can make an effort, explain ourselves clearly, and still set a boundary. Connection takes participation from both people. One person cannot carry every conversation forever.

I don’t have one answer that fixes communication for everybody.

But I believe we have a better chance when we stop treating our assumptions as facts. When we check what was understood. When we listen with the same attention we want someone to give us.

We may never know someone’s whole story. We can still ask what would help us understand each other today.

Before we decide, “They should know,” maybe we need to ask, “Have we actually reached an understanding?”

Real Talk with Lady Flava 🌻

From Flava in Her Tower 🌻