Sunday Real Talk
Has There Ever Been a Real History of True Monogamy?

My whole life, I have believed in true love.

My parents were my example. They really loved each other, and that love carried them to the very end. I watched it. I felt it. So when I imagined my future as a little girl, I wanted to grow up, get married, and become a mom.

I wanted a love like theirs.

My life didn’t follow that particular picture. Somewhere along the way, I learned to hope without expecting. I can’t say that I ever experienced the lasting partnership I grew up knowing was possible.

But I never stopped believing in love.

Today, I was watching a series on Disney Plus. And yes, Disney Plus clearly has stories for grown folks, too. 🤣

Part of the storyline had me thinking. There was cheating happening out in the open, with an expectation that everyone involved should accept it.

Watching it, I wondered: How many relationships have actually been faithful from beginning to end?

In all reality, how could we ever know everyone’s private truth?

We know what people show us. We know what they tell us. Sometimes those things match what happens behind closed doors. Sometimes they don’t.

That question sent me looking into the history of monogamy.

One thing became clear: researchers aren’t always talking about the same thing when they use that word.

Social monogamy means forming a primary partnership and sharing a life or responsibilities. Sexual monogamy means sexual exclusivity. Serial monogamy means having one partner at a time across successive relationships. Human history includes different arrangements, with lasting pair bonds an important part of that history. It doesn’t give us a clean count of couples who remained faithful for life. 

And those DNA statistics that appear in online summaries? Knowing who fathered a child cannot tell us whether both partners were faithful throughout their relationship. An affair does not have to produce a child.

So I’m careful about accepting a statement that lifelong faithfulness is almost nonexistent. That is a much bigger claim than those numbers can establish.

Still, what I see and hear sometimes makes me sad.

In music, entertainment, and everyday conversations, there can be so much attention given to attraction, sex, and who is involved with whom. I find myself wanting more conversations about getting to know somebody.

Do you like this person beyond the attraction?

Can you tell each other the truth?

Do your values line up?

Are you both agreeing to the same kind of relationship?

Because wanting somebody and being able to build a life with them are two different things.

Sometimes people become deeply involved before those questions get answered. Then children enter the picture, and unresolved issues between two adults can affect an entire family.

The children are never the mistake. But adults have responsibilities that reach beyond their initial attraction.

I also found myself asking where my expectations came from.

My parents certainly shaped them. My Christian upbringing did, too. Genesis describes a husband and wife becoming one flesh, and Jesus returns to that passage when discussing marriage in Matthew. Those teachings help explain why lifelong commitment holds meaning for many Christians. 

But believing in a sacred commitment doesn’t mean everyone entering a relationship is prepared to honor it.

Then there is something some people call soul ties.

Have you heard that expression?

For some, it is a spiritual way of describing the attachment that can follow intimacy. I understand why that language resonates. Allowing someone into such a private part of your life can carry meaning.

But I would treat soul ties as a spiritual belief, rather than a scientific explanation. I also don’t believe our first sexual experience gets to write the rest of our lives for us.

We can learn. We can heal. We can make different choices.

I’ve watched people move in and out of relationships, with resentment following them into the next connection. I’ve seen women direct their hurt toward another woman while the person who made the commitment escapes accountability. I know men who have been hurt, too.

There is a lot of disappointment walking around in people.

And yet, here I am, still watching those hokey Hallmark movies on the weekends. 🤣

Still believing two people can find each other and mean what they say.

I think about companionship as we get older, too. Having someone to laugh with, make plans with, and feel secure beside. There is something beautiful about being able to relax in the love you share.

I don’t have a percentage that can tell me how often that happens.

I know what I witnessed with my parents. I know what I hoped for. And I know that wanting honesty, faithfulness, and commitment does not make a person foolish.

If we agree to be faithful, I expect that agreement to mean something.

And if what you want changes, have the honesty to say so. Let the other person make an informed choice about their own life.

I will always believe in love.

I just believe the choices we make have to give those words something to stand on.

Happy Sunday.

From Flava in Her Tower 🌻