Monday A Taste of Flava

When Race Enters the Conversation

There are some conversations that are easy.

And then there are those conversations that suddenly take a turn.

You can be talking about sports, music, the workplace, relationships, the news, or something happening in everyday life and then…

Race enters the conversation.

And depending on who you are talking to, the entire tone can change.

I have been thinking about this because I recently had one of those conversations with someone very close to me.

Now let me make something clear.

This is someone I love dearly.

Someone I have known most of my life.

Someone who knows exactly how I was raised.

Someone who knows my heart.

Most of our conversations are easy.

We laugh.

We talk about life.

We talk about health.

Family.

Work.

Sports.

Just about everything.

But every once in a while, we land on a subject involving sports and race, and suddenly we see things differently.

And that can be challenging.

We Can Come From the Same Community and Still See Things Differently

I was raised in the Black community as a Eurasian woman.

That shaped me in many ways.

But another huge part of how I see the world came from my father.

He taught me something very simple:

Right is right.
Wrong is wrong.

And to me, that goes beyond race.

So when I see behavior I believe is unfair, harmful, disrespectful, or just plain wrong, my first instinct is usually not to look at the person’s race.

I look at the behavior.

Was it right?

Was it fair?

Was it necessary?

That is where I start.

But someone else may look at that same situation through a completely different lens.

They may see history.

Representation.

Inequality.

Bias.

How certain groups have been treated over generations.

How some people are celebrated while others have been overlooked.

And those things matter too.

Sometimes We Are Arguing Two Different Things

I think this is where racially triggered conversations can become difficult.

One person may be talking about the specific behavior happening right now.

The other person may be responding to a much bigger history surrounding it.

Both people think they are talking about the same thing.

But they really are not.

That is when the conversation can get heated.

Not necessarily because anyone is hateful.

Not because the relationship is bad.

Sometimes both people are simply seeing the situation through different life experiences.

Not Every Disagreement Is Racism

I also think we have to be careful with this.

Disagreeing with someone from another race does not automatically mean the disagreement is racist.

Criticizing someone’s behavior does not automatically mean you dislike their entire community.

And asking questions about something you do not understand does not automatically mean you are attacking anyone.

Sometimes…

We just disagree.

Period.

And I think we have become so uncomfortable with disagreement that we sometimes start assigning motives to people instead of listening to what they are actually saying.

I Also Know What I Don’t Know

There is another side to this for me.

I do not know everything.

There are experiences I have never personally lived.

There are things I may understand culturally but not understand personally.

And there are times when I need to listen more than I speak.

That does not mean I lose my voice.

It means I recognize where my knowledge ends.

Sometimes the best thing I can say is:

“I hear you. I may not completely understand that part.”

And sometimes the next sentence is:

“But I still see this particular behavior differently.”

Both can be true.

Agreeing to Disagree Can Protect a Relationship

I have learned that every conversation does not need a winner.

Sometimes two people can love each other, respect each other, and still leave the conversation thinking:

You are absolutely wrong.

😂

And that is okay.

There comes a point when continuing the debate is not going to create understanding.

It is only going to create frustration.

That is when I believe in saying:

We are going to have to agree to disagree.

Not angrily.

Not disrespectfully.

Just honestly.

Because some relationships are far more important than proving a point.

The Relationship Matters More

One difficult conversation does not define a person.

It also should not erase years of love, friendship, loyalty, kindness, and understanding.

I think sometimes we have to remember the whole person standing in front of us.

Not just the opinion they expressed during one emotional conversation.

We can challenge each other.

We can learn from each other.

We can disagree with each other.

And still love each other when the conversation is over.

That, to me, is maturity.

A Taste of Flava

Race is real.

History is real.

Different experiences are real.

And sometimes those differences are going to show up right in the middle of an ordinary conversation.

The goal should not always be to make the other person think exactly like we do.

Maybe the goal is simply to understand where they are coming from…

Say what we believe…

Know when we do not know enough…

And recognize when it is time to let the conversation go.

Because at the end of the day…

Right is still right.
Wrong is still wrong.
And love does not require us to agree on everything.

🌻
From Flava in Her Tower 🌻