Real Talk: You Lost Me at “But”

I watched a video recently that talked about something small that actually isn’t small at all — the word “but.”

And once you notice it, you can’t unhear it.

“I hear you, but…”

“I understand how you feel, but…”

“You did a great job, but…”

Here’s the truth:

When someone says but, everything before it quietly disappears.

The brain doesn’t hold both thoughts equally. It drops the first one and braces for the second. The empathy, the compliment, the understanding — gone. What sticks is what comes after the but. That becomes the real message.

So when someone says,

“You did a great job, but it was late,”

what the listener actually feels is,

“You didn’t do a great job.”

That’s not sensitivity. That’s psychology.

A lot of people use but thinking it softens the message. They think they’re being kind, balanced, or fair. But over time, that word does the opposite. It creates doubt. It makes people question whether the praise was real or just a polite setup for criticism.

And when this happens repeatedly?

It breeds distrust.

People stop believing compliments.

They stop feeling heard.

They stop opening up.

I’ve learned — especially with age — that communication isn’t just about getting your point across. It’s about how safe the other person feels while hearing it.

That’s where replacing but with “and” changes everything.

“You did a great job on this project, and I’d like to see if we can get it in sooner next time.”

Now both truths get to exist.

The effort is honored.

The expectation is still clear.

Nothing gets erased.

This matters at work.

It matters in leadership.

It matters in families.

It matters in relationships.

And it matters even more when you’re communicating with people who process information differently — whether that’s generational, emotional, or neurodivergent. Words land differently. Tone matters. Structure matters.

I’m not saying never use the word but.

I’m saying be aware of it.

Because sometimes people don’t shut down because they’re difficult or sensitive.

Sometimes they shut down because, without realizing it, they were just told they weren’t really heard.

I’ve reached a place in my life where I value honesty and care.

Directness and respect.

Boundaries and compassion.

See what I did there?

No but needed.

That’s Real Talk.