Contemplating the Passage of Time: When Do We Want to Say Goodbye?

Yesterday, during a conversation with one of my younger coworkers in his 20s, he asked me a question I hadn’t really thought about in quite the same way before: “How long do you want to live?”

I paused for a moment, as the question wasn’t one I had prepared for. After some careful thought, I responded with something that’s been on my mind lately. I said I’d be comfortable living no more than 80 to 85 years, as long as I could still retain my mind and wasn’t burdened with constant, unbearable pain. The thought of dementia slowly creeping in, or living in constant physical discomfort, both deeply concern me. I don’t want to live in a way that makes my children feel as though they are losing me before I’m truly gone. And I certainly don’t want them to suffer through the emotional toll of caring for me in my final years.

It’s a sobering thought, but I believe these are the two main fears I have when it comes to aging—losing my mind, and the continuous decline of my body that might prevent me from living life freely. I want to age gracefully, and without dragging my loved ones through a painful experience of seeing me deteriorate, physically or mentally.

Looking back at my family history, I’ve seen both extremes. My Japanese family has had several members live well into their 90s, my father being one of them. He lived a full and remarkable life, passing away at 93. But his final years were not without struggle. I was his full-time caregiver for the last three years of his life, and although I have no regrets, it was incredibly challenging to watch him in pain. Despite his sharp mind, vibrant appetite, and positive outlook, his body betrayed him. His mobility became severely limited, and every movement seemed to come with excruciating pain.

I’ll never forget the day we decided to take him to the hospital to get checked out. It was a decision he resisted, and deep down, I think he knew it was his time. When we got there, it became clear that his body was giving out. We chose to have him come home, opting for hospice care in the comfort of his own space. The girls and I were with him, holding his hand when he took his final breath. It was heart-wrenching, but also beautiful in its own way—peaceful, dignified, and exactly as it was meant to be.

After his passing, I found myself working in eldercare when I moved to Las Vegas, where I gained a deeper understanding of the struggles and realities our elders face as they grow older. It became clear to me why aging can be so difficult, and why many families struggle with how to care for their aging loved ones. I developed a unique ability to connect with the elderly, listening to their stories and understanding the shifts in their energy, helping them navigate this challenging stage of life.

Now, I work at a clinic that primarily serves an older population. Many of our patients deal with chronic pain, dementia, or a combination of both, and their families often come to us in desperation, hoping for some relief. Through this work, I’ve witnessed firsthand the daily struggles that accompany aging, and I’ve had to confront the reality of my own aging process. As I’ve started to face challenges with my own mobility and experience more physical pain, I think about what kind of life I want to have in my later years.

More than ever, I realize that for me, it’s not about the quantity of years I live—it’s about the quality. I don’t want to be just a number, ticking off the years in a way that feels empty or painful. I want to live well. I want to enjoy my time with family and friends, be active, and maintain my independence as long as possible.

With the warmer weather finally rolling in, my body is beginning to feel better, with less intense pain. It’s a reminder that there are things I can do to help myself feel better and be more present in my life. In the coming months, I plan to share more about what I’ve learned on this journey, how I’ve been managing my own challenges, and how I’ve been taking steps to preserve my health and well-being.

So, do you ever think about when you’d want to pass and why? What would be important to you in your later years, and what kind of life do you hope to have when the time comes? For me, it’s about cherishing every moment of quality and finding peace in the idea that aging is a journey, not a race to the end.

LadyFlava of LadyFlavaNews

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