Sunday Real Talk

What Is Fair to Expect… If Someone Was Never Shown?

There was something I heard recently that stopped me in my tracks:

“Is it reasonable to expect someone to behave in a way they’ve never experienced?”

Sit with that for a moment.

Because that question right there… will humble you if you really let it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this—

about my life, my upbringing, my job, my home… and the people around me.

And I had to get real with myself.

I didn’t come up in chaos.

I came up in structure.

In love.

In accountability.

I witnessed parents who loved each other.

Who loved their children.

Who loved God.

And who didn’t just talk about it—they lived it.

My godmother was the same.

Their friends, their circle, their community… it was consistent.

Respect was normal.

Responsibility was expected.

Love had action behind it.

So for me…

That became my baseline.

I was also raised in a time where if you wanted something extra—you worked for it.

Our parents made sure we had what we needed.

But the “wants”? That was on us.

So we got jobs early.

We learned responsibility early.

We understood that life required participation.

And the thing is… we didn’t feel like we went without.

Because we weren’t just receiving—

we were building.

There’s a different kind of pride that comes from that.

A different kind of mindset.

But here’s where it gets deep.

Not everybody had that.

Some people were raised in survival mode.

Some never saw healthy love.

Some were never taught accountability—only criticism… or nothing at all.

Some didn’t have elders pouring into them.

No mentors. No guidance. No example.

So now I find myself in spaces—at work, at home, in life—

looking at people and thinking:

“Why don’t you just do better?”

And then that question comes back around…

“Who showed them how?”

That doesn’t excuse behavior.

Let me be clear on that.

But it does explain a lot.

Because you can’t expect someone to naturally operate in a space they’ve never seen modeled.

That’s not how this works.

I think about my job.

Different personalities. Different upbringings. Different levels of awareness.

Some people are reacting… not responding.

Some are overwhelmed… not equipped.

Some are just doing what they’ve always done—because nobody ever required more from them.

And I see it.

Not to judge… but because I know better exists.

I think about my home.

I don’t want apologies.

I want ownership. Growth. Better choices.

But if someone hasn’t truly learned how to show up for themselves…

they’re not going to magically show up for everyone else.

That’s a hard truth.

And then I think about my girls.

They’re more like me than they probably realize.

They were raised with love. With guidance. With awareness.

But life happens.

One got pulled into someone else’s world…

and the other, with her good heart, got caught up in trying to save everyone else.

They didn’t lose themselves.

They just got sidetracked.

And as a mother, that’s a different kind of feeling.

Because you can see who they are… even when they can’t.

So now I sit with this question:

What is fair to expect from someone if you don’t know their story?

And the answer isn’t simple… but it’s honest.

It’s fair to expect:

Effort Growth Respect

But it’s not always fair to expect:

Awareness at your level

Emotional tools they were never given

Behavior they were never taught

And this is where the balance comes in.

You can give grace

and still have standards.

You can understand someone’s story

without allowing it to disrupt your peace.

You can say:

“I see why you are the way you are…

but I’m not accepting what doesn’t align with who I am.”

Because children… they don’t do what we say.

They do what we live.

They absorb everything.

Love. Chaos. Patience. Anger. Discipline. Avoidance.

Whatever they are exposed to becomes their normal.

And if nobody interrupts that pattern…

they carry it right into adulthood.

So no… my upbringing wasn’t “normal.”

And it’s not fair for me to compare my life to everyone else.

But it is my responsibility to honor what I was given.

Not by forcing it onto others…

But by living it consistently.

Because the truth is…

Some people are trying to learn in adulthood

what I was taught as a child.

And that changes how I move.

Less judgment.

More understanding.

But my standards?

Those stay right where they are.

Real Talk Question:

Have you ever expected more from someone…

only to realize they were never shown how to be that person?

And how did that change the way you saw them?

Lady Flava 🌻❣️