☕ Sunday – A Sip of Flava

Why I’ve Been Quiet

I’m sitting in my tower this morning.

Coffee warm in my hand.

Trees standing steady outside my window.

Water in the distance doing what water does — moving, but calm.

And I’ve been thinking about something.

People don’t understand why I’m not out and about.

Why I’m not physically visible.

Why I’m not calling.

Why I’m not texting just to “stay connected.”

Right now… it’s not about anyone else.

It’s about me.

Some might call it selfish.

I call it calm.

I call it quiet.

I call it necessary.

Vegas Was Loud

Vegas was a very loud experience.

Not just the lights.

Not just the noise.

But the energy.

It wasn’t healthy for my soul.

I knew I had to come home.

I missed my children.

I missed the Pacific Northwest.

I missed the green.

I missed the water.

I missed myself.

Spending Covid alone out there forced me to sit with some hard truths.

I had become someone I didn’t like.

Negative.

Critical.

Drained.

Complaining about everything around me.

You know that saying — you become like the people you’re around the most?

I did.

And that realization hurt.

The Drive Home

The preparation to leave didn’t go smoothly.

But the morning I drove away… I drove anyway.

When I hit California and then I-5, something shifted.

The weight started lifting.

Medical friends — and a few others — helped me financially to get Poopsie ready and gas in the tank. That support meant more than I can explain.

When I finally saw my stretch of water and solid green trees again?

I felt like I could breathe.

I spent one night at a rest stop in Oregon.

Then the next morning I headed home.

And when I pulled into Seattle…

I thanked God.

Not dramatically.

Just sincerely.

Thank You for bringing me home.

2.5 Years Later

And here’s what people may not understand.

Going on two and a half years later… I’ve stayed to myself.

I work.

I show up where I need to show up.

But when I’m home — I stay home.

Not because I’m mad.

Not because I’m holding grudges.

Not because I’m judging anyone.

I’m healing.

Trauma didn’t happen overnight.

So it’s not leaving overnight.

I don’t want to rehash why I need to heal.

That chapter is closed.

I’m not dragging it forward with me.

I want to move into the next season more secure.

More stable.

Healthier in my mind, body, and spirit.

It’s Not About You

If you know me personally and feel distance…

Please don’t take it personally.

My quiet is not rejection.

My stillness is not resentment.

I genuinely enjoy my own company.

I don’t have much to talk about right now because I’m rebuilding internally.

And I don’t have the capacity to carry other people’s drama if they’re not actively trying to heal it.

That might sound blunt.

But it’s honest.

I can’t carry the desert with me into the forest.

Healing Isn’t Loud

Healing looks like this:

Sitting in my tower.

Working from home.

Accepting that my walking is limited.

Knowing I need to strengthen my body.

Pushing gently.

Not forcing.

Reading.

Researching.

Writing.

Praying.

Listening.

Being still.

The world moves fast.

But I don’t have to.

One day I’ll be more social again.

One day I’ll step out more.

When my mind, body, and spirit say ready.

Not pressured.

Not guilted.

Ready.

So this morning?

I’m sipping my coffee.

Looking at the trees.

Grateful for green.

Grateful for water.

Grateful for second chances.

And grateful that I chose myself.

— Lady Flava 🌻